Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

Incomplete

Posted: April 3, 2013 in Mom, Personal
Tags: , ,

I am on a train to New Jersey to visit friends. While I’ve done this at least twice a year for years, this time feels different. The last time, like every time before, I would call my Mom and talk to her. When I was seated in my friends’ car, I would call her to tell her that I made it. This time, none of that will happen.

It is small little things that still creep up on me five months after Mom’s death. So many little rituals that we had that defined my daily life and now it is all gone. I always thought that my father’s death would hit me harder but I can no longer feel the hole he left but I feel that my heart will never be complete again now that Mom is gone.

A few days ago, I thought about never seeing her or talking to her again and I had a panic attack. Over and over again, I remember that moment she stopped breathing and the pain that stabbed into my heart and stayed there. The cliché is that it gets better with time, and while I know it’s only been five months, it seems to be getting worse and not better.

I find myself thinking of deals I can make with the universe for one more minute with her and knowing that my wishing it won’t make it so. No matter what I wish or offer to give up, she is gone and will not be returning.

I lost a piece of myself and I don’t think I’ll ever feel whole again.

A Not So Happy Story

Posted: March 20, 2013 in Death, Depression, Mom, Personal
Tags: , , ,

Every time I think that my journey through the territory of my mental health is heading in the right direction, something sets off another landmine, blowing a hole right through my comfort zone.

Sometimes I know what will set me off but today’s explosion was a complete surprise.  I knew that the last time I went to Worcester to see my Mom that she was going to be dead before I came home.  She was that ill and there was nothing left that the doctors could do.  

There was something I could do however and that was sit by her bed for four days and watch as she slowly slipped away from me.  For the first few days she was conscious and we were able to talk.  I am lucky that the last thing she said to me was “I love you”.  

Towards the end things got bad.  The pain med wasn’t working, she was gasping for air.  It was horrible.  And even as horrible as it was, I am glad I was there.  
Because I was glad, I thought that her actual dying was out of my mind and that I was grieving her being gone.  Not so.

Fast forward to today.  My sister-in-law’s father-in-law has Parkinson’s and has less than 48 hours to live.  She started telling me in detail what he was like when they saw him a few days ago.  It could have been me watching my mother all over again for what she was saying.

That’s when I literally screamed for her to stop talking.  I could feel myself shaking and trying not to cry.  I was once again in the hospital room, sitting next to my Mom and feeling her get cold.

I now know that I need to deal with this issue.  It’s not something I’ve ever discussed with anyone, not my husband, not my counselor, not even with myself.  I figured because I was privileged to be there at the end that I had no issues with it.  I was so very wrong.

Will this “cure” me?  I doubt it, I have too many other issues to ever be cured but will talking about it help me?  Definitely.  

It has taught me that, even when I think something is a blessing, I need to discuss it because it could otherwise come back and bite me on the ass.

Last week was not a good one for me.  This week is a little better.  I am on an additional medication for stabilizing my mood.  So far it seems to be helping.  Either that or I just haven’t hit any triggers this week that have set me off.

I had one great piece of news and that was the battery company gave me an offer for my exploded laptop and it was about three times what I thought it would be.  It actually covers the cost of the laptop that I purchased and now have.

Monday of this week I started some of my seedlings.  Only four different types but it is a start.  I will do more when I get the paper Sunday so that I may make seed starting pots.

I’ve gone back to every week on my counseling appointments.  It’s something that I probably have needed since my Mother’s death but, as I was pretending I was dealing with it, I kept going monthly.  I really do need to stop lying to myself about my mental state.

I have one discussion post to write tonight and an essay tomorrow and then no school for two weeks due to Spring Break.  I cannot wait even though I do plan on using the time to work on my History final paper.

Day by day, moment by moment, I am healing.  I need to stop being so impatient and let myself heal slowly.

Panic attacks. Everyone has probably had one at some point in time but for some of us, they can be a daily occurrence. For me, at least lately, it feels as if I live on the verge of one every moment of the day. I am always waiting for the second when it spills over and my heart starts pounding and I feel like I need to run away.

Right at the moment, I can feel the walls starting to crumble down on top of me. Everything I do or need to do feels like one more brick in that wall. There are things I want to change about my life but feel that I can’t because I would be disappointing people. I would also be making a decision that would be irreversible. Thus, I am stuck in this cycle and can see no change in sight.

My biggest worry is school. I honestly wish that I could stop going right now but I can’t because that means I wouldn’t be able to get funding to go next semester. So I have to battle onward to the end of the semester.

My second biggest worry is my home. Quite frankly, it is a mess and it is all my doing. I can’t bring myself to bother with cleaning up what needs to be done in my room and this means that the living room is still filled with boxes from my Mom’s from last November.

I feel paralyzed, afraid to make a decision for fear it will be wrong. Instead, I make no decisions and let my life pass by one day at a time with nothing being accomplished. Even now, I have to finish homework by 11pm tonight and I can’t even force myself to pick up the book and read what needs to be read. I have a two essay exam due for my other class by next Sunday. I looked at the assignment and, while it was assigned three days ago, I have yet to start doing any research, nevermind writing.

That rabbit hole that I have fallen into many times before is looming larger and larger as my life falls further behind me.  The bricks are piling up faster and faster and the walls are teetering, ready to topple.

I cannot bring myself to care.

Nothing

Posted: March 4, 2013 in Personal
Tags:

It’s always the little things that break you. One moment everything is fine and then one small piece of data enters your brain and the full light comes on. No more data allowed. No more feelings allowed. Not sadness, not happiness. Both ends of the emotional spectrum are cut off from one another by that one small piece of information. All that’s left is a void, an emptiness that nothing can reach and nothing can fill.

You know this is wrong, this non-feeling. You know that, just hours ago, you could feel so why not now? And if you could feel then, how can you bring it back? So many questions and no answers. You look for those answers but they are hiding along with your feelings. Too many things leaving all at once and you are left still standing in that void.

Thoughts of cutting yourself again are there but all they are are thoughts. Even the flash of pain on your skin won’t bring back your feelings so why bother? Why waste the energy on something that is so useless to you?

You wish there was a magic pill that you could take to make the feelings come back but they’ve moved and left no forwarding address. You can only wish them well on their journey. Maybe they’ll send you a postcard from wherever they end up.

Or not. More likely they’ll stay gone until you’ve learned to live with the nothingness inside. You do things, not because you want to but because they are expected of you and they have to get done. Even college which was your saving grace when your biggest loss came means nothing. You do the assignments and hope that you pass. That 100 that made you giddy last week is now merely a number.

So much nothing and not any something. This is your life now. One that has probably been on its way to you for so long but you didn’t see it coming. Such a lovely present that life has handed you. Enjoy it. Who knows when another will come your way?

Meditation, mindfulness, be in the moment. Too bad the moment has no meaning. It’s merely a dot on the clock that passes without any help from you. Nothing works to make the nothing go away. You can see the future and it is a blank canvas and not because you haven’t yet painted your life on it.

It is because your life is nothing but a blank.

End of Semester

Posted: December 26, 2012 in Personal
Tags: ,

I have just turned in my last paper for this semester. It is giving me very mixed feelings. I am glad to have this semester over because my life went to Hell during this semester but I want it to keep going on because it feels like another loss of connection to my mother.

The first month of this semester, her and I had a set routine. I’d walk to the bus stop and, while I was waiting I would call her. Or if I had received a ride, I would call her when I got there. Next semester I will not have this – even for one day.

She was a very large part of why I went back to college and she would tell anyone who would listen that her daughter was going to school for Fine Arts and how proud she was of me. I know this because every nurse in the CCU told me about it. Mom even worried while I was with her that I had to have enough time to get my homework done so I wouldn’t fall behind.

Along with Joe, my goal was to have my mom in the audience for my graduation. I know she will be there in spirit but I won’t be able to see her.

I do know that when I graduate, I am buying a leather portfolio because that was what she wanted to buy me. Even if all it does is hold my doodles, I will buy that portfolio. It will be my way of making sure that Mom is part of one of the biggest days in my life.

Now it is time to get the rest of the boxes unpacked and get the house clean for in less than three weeks, I will need to be in studying mode again.

What To Do

Posted: December 26, 2012 in Personal
Tags: , , , , ,

It’s that time of year when I start thinking of what I want to change or do in the following year. There have been large changes in my life this year that, in a way, I’m afraid to even think about any more changes.

There are a few that, while not difficult, could be time consuming and I am not sure what my time will be like with the new semester. This spring I am taking 6 courses, though 2 are intercession courses and end before the other 4 start which makes things easier. These few are actually things that I feel I need to do and not merely want to do which is making it more difficult for me to want to drop them from my to-do list.

One is devoting time daily to my personal journal. I wrote sporadically last year and I now feel that writing more often would have been a help to my anxieties and worries. I stopped writing completely a few days after my mother died, and while I have purchased a brand new journal, I have yet to put anything into it.

The second is this blog. I found that during the election this year, I was often making my opinions known on Facebook and realized that I found it freeing to state how I felt about what was going on in the world. I would love to make this blog about a variety of topics that are in the news, as well as some lighter subjects but again, when would I find time to research what I want to write about?

I also want to start two commercial websites, one for my photographs and one for my jewelry. I have no clue how to go about starting them, never mind marketing them. Again, I’d also have to factor in the time I would need to devote to both endeavors.

Perhaps I am worrying too much about the future. With everything that happened this past year I know that I can’t predict or prevent what is to come, it will just be what it is, whether I like it or not.

Guess I’ll start working on that to-do list. What I don’t get to, I’ll just add to the list for 2014.